Spunk, Gizzum & Cream

In Sperm Counts: Overcome by Man's Most Precious Fluid, Lisa Jean Moore, an associate professor of sociology and women's studies at the State University of New York College at Purchase,, examines how the definition and meaning of sperm has changed depending on period and point of view. This book has, hands down, one of the most arresting first sentences I've ever seen: "It has been called sperm, semen, ejaculate, seed, man fluid, baby gravy, jizz, cum, pearl necklace, gentleman's relish, wad, pimp juice, number 3, load, spew, donut glaze, spunk, gizzum, cream, hot man mustard, squirt, goo, spunk, splooge, love juice, man cream, and la leche." What mesmerizing vernacular poetry!
Semen, Moore states, is "a mixture of prostaglandin, fructose, and fatty acids." Sperm constitutes only 2 to 5 percent of the average ejaculate, which contains between 200 million and 500 million sperm cells and is propelled by the penis at 10 miles per hour. The unofficial distance record for ejaculate is 18 feet, 9 inches, achieved by one Horst Schultz, who also holds the record for greatest height (12 feet, 4 inches). Moore remarks that semen's scent is sometimes compared to "bleach, household cleanser, or swimming pool water." Hence the marketing of Semenex ($54.95 for 30 servings), a drink that promises to sweeten the taste of semen for practitioners of oral sex.
In the 17th century, Antoni van Leeuwenhoek, inventor of the microscope, was the first to identify spermatozoa, whose lashing tails he compared to the swimming of a snake or eel. (Moore disapprovingly identifies this as "classic phallic imagery," which isn't entirely fair, given the ancient association of snakes with mother goddesses.) An 18th-century physiologist, Lazzaro Spallanzani, discovered cryopreservation by recovering motile sperm from semen frozen in snow. The sperm count as a diagnostic tool was first proposed in 1929. However, the morphology or shape of the spermatozoon proved to be equally crucial: A scientist of the 1930s cataloged "50 variations in sperm morphology with names such as micro-sperm, megalo-sperm, puff-ball, and double neck."(more in Cronicle via Arts & Letters)